my earlier post about a certain friend? Well that friendship is no longer.
***BE WARNED this is going to be a very LONG post, so if you don’t have the
patience, exit now.***
been changed so that I’m not totally putting his business out there.
I met my
Darryl through an app, Jack’d if you must know and saw that he had other social
media listed such as his instagram. I then started following him there. On his
birthday one year, I left a comment stating that I’d like to buy him a drink.
We ended up exchanging numbers and then exchanged the occasional text, still
never meeting. One day, I texted him asking how his day was going in which he
replied bad. His temporary assignment has ended and he was now without a job.
He also stated that he was extremely stressed and didn’t know what to do. I
then told him to forward his resume to me and I’ll see what I can do. I then
forward his resume to my former supervisor and stated that he’d be great for
the job because he has prior call center experience, and his assignment ended
and he was not “terminated.” She took his resume, forwarded it to HR, they
called him in for an interview, and boom! He got a job with us.
I finally met
him for the first time his first day of training. Our communication got
stronger and pretty soon we were texting every day. He would discuss his
problems with me, I would discuss my issues, we would visit each other… friend
shit. He then tells me about his goddaughter, Reagan. He stated that her mother,
Brenda, was thinking of giving her up. I’ve always wanted kids. I even got
licensed through the state to become a foster/adoptive parent. I met the little
girl a couple of months later and instantly fell in love with her. I got the
opportunity to play with her more often as she was over his house and I
visited. I got her for the weekend once, and I took her to my mom’s house and
the family went crazy over her. We then went to the aquarium and made a whole
day of it. I expressed my interest to my friend that if her mom was serious
about it, I would strongly consider adopting her. He stated okay. About a week
later, he states that the mom doesn't want to give her up now, because she and her husband, Christopher, which happens to be a good friend of Darryl’s. I said
fine. Christopher then states that he is divorcing Brenda, and moves in with
Darryl and his boyfriend Jamal. Confused yet?
then that my interactions with Reagan were less and less. As a matter of fact,
I haven’t seen Reagan since Christopher moved in. Christopher then stated that
he would try to make things work with Brenda, just to call it quits two weeks
later. Brenda then discovers that she was pregnant. She was five months in and
had no knowledge that she was knocked up. She ended up going to the doctor, and
the doctor informed her that the child had a heart defect. She was then
thinking of terminating the pregnancy. So, I thought well if she doesn’t want
it, then I’ll just adopt that one. I informed Darryl of that, and he stated
that he would speak with Brenda. He then informs me a few days later, that
Brenda said she would keep the baby. All right. Shit.
Come to find
out that the baby actually died in utero, and she was going to have a procedure
done to remove the baby. This was done, and the baby was a boy. Christopher and
Brenda then ended up back together. Then Darryl informed me that Christopher
and Brenda wanted to have a talk with Darryl because they wanted to try for
another baby, and give it to him. I’ll admit, I did have some anger that may
have been displaced. In my opinion, Darryl didn’t need another child running
around the house. He already had his niece that he has shared custody of as
well as his three other god children. He himself has stated that. I eventually
let that go, and continued on. (they eventually decided to not have the baby
for him because yet again, Christopher has called it quits with Brenda) I then
notice little comments he would make about how Reagan was there, this that and
the other. I’ve on multiple occasions stated that if she was there, let me know
because I want to see her etc. It just always conveniently slips his mind. (I’m
eventually getting to the point)
up going to the doctor and having surgery. I visited him as soon as he got
home, and pretty much every day since then for the following two months. I also
made dinner for him and Jamal and Christopher on an occasion. I also ran some
errands for him to ensure that he didn’t get out before his time, you know,
being a friend. (mind you when I was sick he not once came over to my place to
see how he could help or whatever. ) He informs me later on sometime in January
that his real good friend, Marvin (who is Christopher’s brother) was being
released from jail. I say oh, okay and didn’t think too much of it. I then ask
what will they be doing for Reagan’s birthday, because I stated that I would
like to do something for her, whether it’s put money on it or something. He
stated that it would be between Chuck e. Cheese or something else. He then
stated that Brenda said that they wanted to do a private party at Darryl’s home
because she “doesn’t want to deal with a bunch of people and frankly neither do
I.” Seeing as how I wasn’t invited to the Christmas program to see Reagan,
citing that it was due to a certain amount of tickets to go see her, and those
were given to family supposedly. I feel that I was being lied to, but I left it
Early February, Marvin was released from jail. Darryl stated that he had
to go get Reagan from school because she wasn't feeling well. He states that he
hated to get her out in the weather (at the time it was cold and rainy) but he
had to because he had errands to run that day and the rest of the week. I then
stated that I didn't have any classes that week, so I can go ahead and take off
and watch her while he runs the errands. He then said that he will get back
with me and let me know. It was getting later on in the day and I texted him to
see what the plan was so that I can put the days in. He then stated that his
mother could watch her. Okay… but she couldn’t watch her when he was running
errands. She doesn't work. Then he lets the truth slip. Marvin who was released
from jail, who Reagan has never met because he’s been in jail long before she
was even alive, was watching her… okay. My thoughts were why when you have
someone who she knows and whom I’m sure would be more comfortable with was
available to care for her? Okay. I can really see where this is going.
I promise I’m
getting to it now:
So, today I
get a text from Darryl asking if I was going to a mutual co-worker’s birthday
party. I informed Darryl that no, I wasn’t because I was not invited and I
didn’t know about it. He then proceeds to tell me that he may go depending on
how things go with Reagan’s party this weekend… Err… what? Okay. So you were
planning on having Reagan’s party this weekend and you did not notify me. He
then proceeds to say that he may move it because this weekend, it is supposed
to sleet and snow. He also said that he sent out invites and everything. I
guess mine got lost in the mail. He then says that the crisis is adverted
because he is just going to move it to next weekend, and Jamal is going to take
him out of town this weekend to see his best friend. The wheels in my head
start turning because I feel that this is bullshit. I don’t even bother
responding to the text. What I’m really thinking is “bitch ain’t nobody stupid.
You’re gonna have the party this weekend and using that lame ass excuse as an
alibi because you done fucked up and let me know that she was having a birthday
party and that you did not invite me.” So I wonder what lie he comes up with,
when I ask if I could go the party next weekend.
What it all
boils down to is, I don’t think that her parents want me around her. I reached out to him, it was confirmed. They thought that I was getting too close to her, and it put him in a position. He claimed that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Do I portray such a magnitude of weakness that I could be that easily brought down? I mean, yes, it sucks but hey, it is their right as her parents
to say who they want around their child. My issue is if this is the case, then
TELL ME! Don’t beat around the bush and be like “Oh, you just missed her,” and
bull like that. I don’t appreciate that. I am the type of person where I’m
going to be blunt, direct and honest. I expect you, as my friend, to do the
damn same. That’s just how I feel. If we’re going to be friends, we should have
that type of openness where things can be discussed like I discussed this shit
with him. So, that’s it in a nutshell. We fell out because you couldn’t be upfront with me. There are other things, but that’s the main thing. I got to thinking,
is it me? Am I just that bad to be around or that messed up that you feel that
you can’t talk to me, or invite me places? He stated that me being that close put him in a position because he was godfather, and I understand that so in order to get him out of that position and un-complicate things, I'll remove myself. Like seriously. What the fuck? Well,
I’m over it
Thank you so
much for sticking with me during all that. Talk to y’all later.
You know, I definitely feel as though I add more value to
people’s lives than they add to mine. I've come to a decision to end a
friendship. I figure that if you’re really friends, you can and should be
upfront and honest with people; especially those that you call / consider your
friends. Right? Well, I have a situation where I feel the other person isn't
being direct with me. I feel that they have been lying to me and withholding
information. After this weekend, I will see if I can catch them in the lie. If
I don’t, I will voice my grievances and then allow them to retort. If I feel
that they are still being dishonest, I’ll sever all ties. I’m the type of
person where I am very blunt and direct. Maybe this is to a fault. Maybe some
people can’t handle my directness and think that I would jump off the deep end
or something like that. I may be high strung, but come on; I am an adult.
Maybe after everything, I’ll tell you the whole story. Right
now, I’m just a little too pissed to. Just know that I’m not only losing one,
but two friends.
It’s kind of weird because you do a lot for your friends,
and for this one, I really did. It’s not as though I’m asking for any accolades
or pats on the back because I believe that when you are a friend and you do
things, it should be genuine without looking for something in return, but
GODDAMN! Give me a little credit and a little respect for our friendship. I
believe that I’m a dang good friend to those I consider friends so to be lied
to repeatedly (allegedly) and treated with blatant disregards for my feelings just has me
like what the fuck? Like seriously, what the everlasting fuck?
Also, it’s a good thing that I’m not how I used to be. I
could be a very dangerous person. I don’t mean dangerous in a physical sorts
even though it would be nothing for me to hurt someone—BACK THEN… back then.
I’m semi changed now, but no. I could be a dangerous person with information. I
just don’t want to do that. It’s not in me anymore. I just really hope that
they realize what a good friend in me they had. Now if I was in the wrong in any capacity, I wouldn't mind, hell I’d
appreciate it more, if people will tell me. It wouldn't be nothing to say, “Hey
you were fucked up for that,” or something. We’re all adults, and if we are the
friends that we say we are, then it shouldn't be a problem. I definitely don’t
have a problem with telling someone they were wrong or that they handled
something incorrectly. I don’t know. It’s just a little jacked up.
Anyway… Thanks for listening to me whine. I’ll have an update
for you guys Wednesday. Or Monday if I have confirmation. Anyways...
Well today is Wednesday, and I’m keeping with my personal
goals. I said that I will start back to doing my internet radio show on Sunday
nights at 5:00 p.m. CST (central standard time) The link if anyone wants to
start listening is www.blogtalkradio.com/mtmoore31
I also said that I will update the blog weekly on Wednesdays, so expect some
random and bullshit posts. I also said that I’ll be making YouTube videos
again. I used to have a lot and then deleted them all and just got out of the
mood of doing it. I think that I’m really trying to keep myself busy and
preoccupied with other things. Or maybe I’m just trying some low-key ways of
fulfilling something that has been lacking. Let me tell you about this dream I
I dreamt that I was at work, and I was talking to my
supervisor (which is weird because I don’t talk to her like that.) Any way, I
had expressed to her that what I really wanted to do most in the whole world
was act. I've always wanted to be an actor. I transform when I’m on stage. The
thought of becoming someone different just thrilled me. When the lights come on
and I’m in character, something happens. I really want to be on Broadway. I
remember when the acting bug had bitten me. I was with my grandmother at the
old Sears Roebuck downtown (prior to them turning it into some lofts) and we
were in line. I remember I was young. Maybe like six or seven years old. I
doubt I was even that old. Well anyway, I had this girl’s attention. She was
younger than I was. I think that she was three. I started performing for her. I
was just acting out characters that I saw on Saturday morning cartoons. I think
Bugs Bunny was one. When I was done, she had kissed me on the nose. I knew then
acting was what I wanted to do. I enjoyed bringing entertainment to others. (This
might be why my personality is what it is) I did express what I wanted to do
much later on in life to my mom and step-dad, and they were less than
supportive of that, so I gave it up. If I had continued I could be on the big
and small screen as well as on stage—who knows? Back to the dream.
I told my supervisor that I really would love to do that,
but as of right now, I’m scared. I informed her that I have a great thing going
on here. I have a career that I love, I’m stable—what do I look like throwing
that all away on a whim of a dream; a dream that may not come true. She had no
sagely advice for me. She didn’t go with the whole “Follow your heart,” “Chase
your dream” routine. She simply listened and let me realize something on my
own. That I am standing in my own way. This is something that I realize.
I’m afraid to take
chances even though I advise everyone else to do just that. I am a believer
that you have one life to live, so live it up to the fullest. My problem: I
don’t take my own advice. I do have a fear. It’s one greater than a personal
one that I refuse to share, but that fear is failure. I am deathly afraid to
fail. Some say that failure is simply not trying. I may concede to that—may. I’m not quite sure yet. So maybe
with me blogging, doing the radio show, doing YouTube again, I might get some
recognition. I might not. Who knows? Maybe if a tape of me sucking dick leaks I
could be the next Kim Kardashian. I would just have to make sure that the dick
is attached to someone remotely famous. But that’s another story. Never mind,
anyway. I wonder when I will start taking my own advice. When will I just get
over the paralyzing fear of it might not, and think that it may be? I don’t
Don’t be like me… thirty and attempting to catch my second
wind. Do what you want. Do what makes you happy. Go and find your dream and
then make it a reality. I plan on doing so, slowly—very slowly, but surely. J
Hey everyone. I know it's been a while, and I apologize for it. I'm just doing a quick post to let you know that I will be back on the blogs and I will try my best to update on a weekly basis. Maybe Wednesdays. I've also decided to restart my internet radio show, as well as my YouTube channel. So, yeah, I'm planning on having some things in the works. I was actually so excited about it that I could barely get to sleep. I was thinking about the redesigns for the blog, revamping the radio show etc. Let's just hope that I continue with the creative energy and flow and bring things to you guys that matter and / or intrigues.
Anyway, I 'm at work so I better get off of here and get to it.
I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Well, not the happy self. I just go home, get in the bed and sleep. People at work have noticed a change in me. They noticed that I'm not my perky happy self. This I contribute to the medication. (Seroquel 150 MG) Even that's not helping. I have noticed something about myself: I am or at least I could be a horrible person at times. Instead of me being genuinely happy for people, at times I get jealous. Like seriously jealous, and that's not cool. There are certain things that I want in life, and some of those are a bit out of my reach and out of my control, but I still want it anyway. However, I see others with it and I'm like... "Really?" Then there are those that keep saying, "Wait your turn, it's not your season yet..." Blah blah blah. I don't wanna hear that! I am kind of getting tired of waiting.
I kinda think that the holidays have triggered my depression, which is weird because it never has before. Up until recently, I was always good about managing my depression but it seems as of late, it is getting more and more serious. It's getting to the point to where I think about hurting myself and others. I don't, but I think about it. I just hope it doesn't get to to the point to where I act out on it. There have been times. I showed all the symptoms, but I didn't go through with it. I never do. As much as I could and do hate my life at times, I just don't see me taking it. Oh, how I want to though. Sometimes I think, It would be nothing to just go and swallow a whole bottle of pills and slip away. I really doubt very much that I'd be missed. I seriously do. Hell, it's not as though I'm checked up on anyway. I may get the occasional text here or there, but no one would miss me.
I kinda expressed the way that I was feeling Thursday at work and realized that I was semi valued. I can be a great friend at times and listen to others when they have problems. I just can't bring myself to do the same. I feel like people have their own issues, so why should I bother them with mine. And I also think, my issues aren't important, and there are people going through worse crap than my mediocre whining about being single and not having kids. That's what I really want, you know? I have everything else that I want, it's just the familial aspect of my life that is lacking. People are having kids that they don't want, don't need, in relationships and have multiple people still sniffing around, and here I am single and "barren" for a lack of a better term.
Maybe this is all for the better. I'm clearly unhinged. Not stable enough. I should never be around children by myself. I'm laughing at myself as I type that. That's one thing I could never do is hurt a child. They'll be hurt by the world soon enough. There's a lot of things that I've decided to give up on. Myself was one, but I'm slightly over that. I have decided on giving up on having a family of my own. I'm getting old. Plus some things are in the cards, and some are not. This just happens to be something that's not. I'm coming to terms with it every passing day. Some shit you just have to accept. Some truths you have to face; no matter how ugly, painful or depressing it may be. I know my truth now.I am meant to be alone. To be there for everyone else. I wasn't born to be a husband and a father. That's my truth that I'm beginning to accept. You know, I thought that getting this out would make me feel worse (as it has in the past 'cause it was like I was dwelling on it or whatever) but I actually feel better. Maybe it's the drugs. (Even though I theink they're starting to wear off.) I don't know. I do know that I feel better though. Like a weight is being lifted.
I think this is the most honest I've ever been in my entire life. I normally just hint or touch on my depression, but never truly express the way I feel. Getting everything out in the open. Now let's take this shit one day at a time and hope I don't check out. :)
"Why does it matter when we hurt each other all the same to this day? We as black people kill each other for pointless reasons. We enslave ourselves every day."
This was a quote I read on FaceBook earlier today, and it really struck a chord with me.
Emmett Till. Trayvon Martin. Eric Garner. Mike Brown. Why do these names matter when it's black on black crime happening all the time? Is it like family where you could talk about your mother, but no one else better not dare? We should be outraged whenever someone is senselessly murdered regardless of who did it. We should be able to come together to express outrage when we lose one of our own at our own hands just like we do when a white person, or member of law enforcement takes a life.
Why can't we do so? What makes it all right for us to kill each other, but not anyone else? Why do we get all out of sorts when another race / ethnicity murders our youth but not when we do? Is it all right because it's just one "n" word killing another "n" word? We should always be upset over a senseless killing (especially gang violence) no matter what the color, race, or ethnicity of the perpetrator. Don't make cops the scapegoat. Don't always make whites the enemy because truth be told, we are our own worst enemy. We are helping them eradicate us. Stop ignoring the elephant in the room. We are killing ourselves a whole lot quicker than they are right now.
So I leave you with this question: "You mad bro, or nahh?"
Janet Jackson once said, “There’s nothing more depressing
than having everything, and still feeling sad.” No truer words to me, right
now, have been spoken. To me, I think I have everything. I have a great job that
I plan on turning into a career, I have a place to live; get to drive a brand
new car every year. Of course I’m single right now, but I’m dealing with that;
it’s not as though that is getting to me like it used to. However, I still feel
sad. The bad part is, I have no idea why. I do know that I suffer from
depression and I have been battling it for 17 years, but it seems as of late, I
get into a funk. I get into this mode where all I want to do is cry (if I
could, but I’m a firm believer that men don’t cry so I won’t allow myself to)
eat ice cream and sleep. I’m good if not great at one thing though. I’m great
at pretending some things don’t exist, or if I do acknowledge them, I am great
at pretending that they don’t bother me. At least until something like this
happens. I guess it forces me not to live in the fantasy world that I’ve
created for myself. The mystical, magical place where everything is rainbows
and butterflies. If of course something negative does happen in my realm, it is
not that big of a deal. It’s just a drizzle in the land instead of a flash
flood or heavy thunderstorm. Maybe I’m forcing myself to come back to reality
and the only way to do so is to become depressed. Or whatever, I don’t know. I
do know that I don’t like feeling like this. I used to go to therapy, but it
didn’t help. For one, I didn’t particularly care for my therapist. Two, she
bullcrapped her way through our sessions so we never got a chance to get to the
root of the problem. Lastly, when I was feeling like this, it was never during
our sessions, so she couldn’t see firsthand how I would be.
I believe that I’m a manic depressant. The days that I were
to go see her, I would manic and displaying the happy energetic DeMarcus. She
never got to see the DeMarcus that crashed and had to push himself to get out
of bed. She never saw the one that walked around frowning or feeling inferior,
and withdrew himself from people. She didn’t meet the insecure, just want
approval and had to be liked person that I am 85% of the time. I’ve often
thought about going back to therapy. I thought, “Well maybe a different
therapist can actually help.” To be honest, I don’t know if I actually want
help. Maybe that’s the reason why I haven’t seen another therapist. Do I like
to wallow in self-pity? Do I like the hopelessness? The despair? What the hell
kind of life is that? No. I can’t. This is a feeling that I wouldn’t wish on my
worst enemy, and that’s only because it doesn’t hurt enough. (Right, I am not
above wishing negativity or harm on others.) Right now, I have no idea what the
hell is going on with me. Like I said, I have a lot to be happy / grateful for,
so why do I feel so sad? What is not being fulfilled to the point that I’m
almost debilitated? This just has me wondering… Whiskey Tango Foxtroxt or WTF?
I, like many of Americans was truly disappointed with the verdict in the George Zimmermancase. A human life was lost, needlessly I might add, because someone decidedto take the law into their own hands. I honestly believed that our justice system would prevail. I really thought that they would at least give him manslaughter. He killed someone. Taking race out of the equation for a moment (but only a moment) he was given clear instructions on what NOT to do. Not only did he hear them, but gave acknowledgment that he did by saying "okay", yet still choosing to pursue.
He chose to continue to pursue this person, once again after being advised not to, and then a confrontation began, which turned physical. Show me the person who wouldn't be on the defensive themselves after being approached by someone when its dark and you are walking home alone.
Mr.Zimmerman killed Mr. Martin in cold blood, my opinion. He murdered this child. All George had to do was wait on the police. After the dispatcher told him that they don't need him to be following Trayvon, he should've gone back to his car.
Granted, I didn't see all the evidence that the jury did so maybe I'm out of the loop but the fact remains that George Zimmerman murdered Trayvon Martin and got away scott-free. Where's the justice? Where is the motherfucking justice? Now, putting race back in the equation, I'm sure many have linked comparisons to Michael Vick, Plaxico (sp) Buress and Casey Anthony. Vick got time for dog fighting. Isn't a human life just as valuable as the animals that white Amerikkka claims us to be? Plaxico shot not himself, but "his damn self"and received jail time, but Casey Anthony who killed her own child and George Zimmerman can walk away unscathed.
I'm scared. I'm not scared for myself, (although I should be) I am scared for my younger brothers; my middle brother especially. He could be Trayvon. Someone could take a look at him, find him threatening and intimidating and take his life. Why? Because he is a young, black male and apparently that is the scariest thing of all in Amerikkka. I sat back last night and was nearly brought to tears thinking of that possibilty. "This could have been Jonathan. This could have been Jason." I kept thinking to myself. "This could have been me," and my murderer or their murderer would have never been brought to justice. I blame the prosecution team because it seems as though they threw the trial. The state didn't want to prosecute Mr. Zimmerman any way, and this trial in my opinion reflects that. At least there finally was a trial. At least Mr. Martin and Ms. Fulton were granted the opportunity to see their child's killer first behind bars, then in the court room. I pray that they find peace with the verdict and are able to continue to move on. Ms. Jeantel, thank you for testifying. Mr. West, and Mr. Zimmerman, well played sirs, well played.
"A system cannot fail those it was never meant to protect." No truer words were ever spoken. There is no justice for Trayvon and the countless others who perished such as he. Maybe this was intentional. Maybe the jury actually sentenced Zimmerman to death by aquitting him. He will forever be a marked man and has to look over his shoulder wondering if today will be the day that he dies. Well Mr. Zimmerman, you wouldn't have to wonder that if you would have just stayed in the damn car.
Ms. Fulton and Mr. Martin, you have my deepest of condolences.
You know, I think that we seriously have a problem. There is an extreme shortage of good men out there. It seems as though all the ones that I've encountered aren't about shit. They don't do shit, ain't got shit, and don't wanna be shit. I meet guys who either don't have a job, their own place, or a car and hell in some cases all of the above, and they are perfectly fine with it. Seriously, like what the fuck? I happened to be out with my friend, Tiffany and her niece Vinesha. Vinesha is like 15 or 16 or whatever the hell, and she mentions that she is going out on a date. I thought that this was cute, so I started asking questions, such as "What will you all be doing? Where is he taking you? How are y'all getting there?" etc. and I was just a tad bit taken aback. The young man, who is also sixteen will be picking her up in his car, and taking her to dinner and a movie. It took a minute for this shit to kick in. Okay. This dude, who is in school and also working, has a car, and will be taking her out to dinner and a movie. I was impressed and jealous. Not only are this young man's parents doing something right to where he knows that if he wants to do something that he will have to work for it, but he is actually doing it! I was jealous, shit. Here this kid is at 16 working, has his own car (how he got it, I'm unaware, but at least he's rolling) and can afford to take the both of them out. Whenever I'm on a date, I have to go get them (because they have no car) pay for dinner (because they have no job) and then come back to my place if I decide to (because they don't have one of their own).
Most of the times, the guys are my age or OLDER. And you still don't have it together??? What the hell? Why do I seem to find the scrubs? Where are the guys that are holding themselves down and not have to depend on someone else, or want to be taken care of? I seem to meet nothing but guys that expect me to do for them, and don't want to do for themselves. They just want the world given to them, and after my last encounter, I refuse to do that. I wonder what happened to the caliber and breed of men. They have become sorry ass lazy motherfuckers that have lost their drive and determination. I could never just sit at someone's house and wait for someone to give me money or take me places. I couldn't see me not doing for myself. Why would you want to be that person? Why would you want someone that is that person?
Where the hell are the real men? Those who go to work and take care of themselves. Men, who not only have something to bring to the table, but who HAS a table? Where are y'all? I need one of you. This shit out here.... I don't know. I think I'm almost done with this dating thing if this is all that people have to offer. I'm almost thirty and getting tired... fuck...