I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Well, not the happy self. I just go home, get in the bed and sleep. People at work have noticed a change in me. They noticed that I'm not my perky happy self. This I contribute to the medication. (Seroquel 150 MG) Even that's not helping. I have noticed something about myself: I am or at least I could be a horrible person at times. Instead of me being genuinely happy for people, at times I get jealous. Like seriously jealous, and that's not cool. There are certain things that I want in life, and some of those are a bit out of my reach and out of my control, but I still want it anyway. However, I see others with it and I'm like... "Really?" Then there are those that keep saying, "Wait your turn, it's not your season yet..." Blah blah blah. I don't wanna hear that! I am kind of getting tired of waiting.
I kinda think that the holidays have triggered my depression, which is weird because it never has before. Up until recently, I was always good about managing my depression but it seems as of late, it is getting more and more serious. It's getting to the point to where I think about hurting myself and others. I don't, but I think about it. I just hope it doesn't get to to the point to where I act out on it. There have been times. I showed all the symptoms, but I didn't go through with it. I never do. As much as I could and do hate my life at times, I just don't see me taking it. Oh, how I want to though. Sometimes I think, It would be nothing to just go and swallow a whole bottle of pills and slip away. I really doubt very much that I'd be missed. I seriously do. Hell, it's not as though I'm checked up on anyway. I may get the occasional text here or there, but no one would miss me.
I kinda expressed the way that I was feeling Thursday at work and realized that I was semi valued. I can be a great friend at times and listen to others when they have problems. I just can't bring myself to do the same. I feel like people have their own issues, so why should I bother them with mine. And I also think, my issues aren't important, and there are people going through worse crap than my mediocre whining about being single and not having kids. That's what I really want, you know? I have everything else that I want, it's just the familial aspect of my life that is lacking. People are having kids that they don't want, don't need, in relationships and have multiple people still sniffing around, and here I am single and "barren" for a lack of a better term.
Maybe this is all for the better. I'm clearly unhinged. Not stable enough. I should never be around children by myself. I'm laughing at myself as I type that. That's one thing I could never do is hurt a child. They'll be hurt by the world soon enough. There's a lot of things that I've decided to give up on. Myself was one, but I'm slightly over that. I have decided on giving up on having a family of my own. I'm getting old. Plus some things are in the cards, and some are not. This just happens to be something that's not. I'm coming to terms with it every passing day. Some shit you just have to accept. Some truths you have to face; no matter how ugly, painful or depressing it may be. I know my truth now.I am meant to be alone. To be there for everyone else. I wasn't born to be a husband and a father. That's my truth that I'm beginning to accept. You know, I thought that getting this out would make me feel worse (as it has in the past 'cause it was like I was dwelling on it or whatever) but I actually feel better. Maybe it's the drugs. (Even though I theink they're starting to wear off.) I don't know. I do know that I feel better though. Like a weight is being lifted.
I think this is the most honest I've ever been in my entire life. I normally just hint or touch on my depression, but never truly express the way I feel. Getting everything out in the open. Now let's take this shit one day at a time and hope I don't check out. :)
Thanks for listening.